Respect is earned, not demanded!

Why on earth would anybody want to be a football (soccer) referee?? It’s a thankless task with ever increasing levels of scrutiny, media coverage, negative press and seemingly increasing levels of abuse. So why then, knowing all of this as the previous comments are no secret to anyone, would anybody choose to continue in this role, let alone make a decision to join the ranks??

The fact is, whilst abuse does happen in football across the world, there is a current trend amongst some corners of the refereeing fraternity that is in all out war against anybody who dares to make a negative comment towards the poor individual in the black kit. This demand for unquestionable and apparently unearned respect simply for doing the job they do is actually doing nobody any favours. These same people who demand this respect seem to show quite a fair amount of disrespect for their own bosses globally and nationally and pin the blame squarely on them. Let’s get real. Society has seen a shift over the last few decades in both behaviour towards authority and attitudes to rule. No longer is the cane used in school as a form of punishment, why, because it’s immoral, inhumane and a violation of a child’s human rights. Quite right too! Society has recognised that violence and fear does not create a better person, it simply creates a society where people do the same things but with more intelligence, by which I mean don’t get caught.

In today’s schools you ask the students who their favourite teachers are. Most will respond with a teacher who they think is cool, chilled or easy to get along with. Someone who explains things better to them, doesn’t shout and is quite welcoming of the challenges that a student might offer them. None of them will choose the teacher who growls, who shouts, who does not allow talking of any kind and the one who offers the opportunity to spend an hour of their lunchtime with a student for a small misdemeanour. There are methods of EARNING respect that make some teachers more liked than others. That isn’t to say they are a softer touch. The same is true of the football referee. Those who don the black kit and demand respect for ‘the badge’ often find the opposite. To demand respect not because you’re an approachable helpful person but because of the consequences you may face if you don’t is the whole foundation of a dictatorship. Respect me and love me or fear the consequences is a theme that you may well find in an Orwell classic work of fiction such as ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’...or in the ‘manifesto’ of a Totalitarian state. The referees who believe they have a divine right to be respected without earning it first will always find they have much bigger problems in a democratic society in 2019 than those who seek to earn it.

Do we really want to remove passion and opinion from football? Most of the time 11 players will disagree with any major decision, that’s human nature. Just as when the Prime Minister stands up at the despatch box and makes a new policy announcement she will be greeted by roars of approval from one side and jeers and paper waving from the other. Human beings are tribal by nature and so to expect everybody to simply agree and walk away when they feel their team isn’t getting a fair deal is naïve to say the least. Of course players must show some restraint and not go beyond the levels of expectation when showing dissatisfaction, an outward and obvious show of this is dissent and is punished accordingly. However dissent doesn’t mean people have to agree! I watch my team play and I’m the first on my feet when I feel a decision goes against my team. It’s a natural reaction. By the time my back side hits the chair again I have more often than not realised the referee is correct or at best I’m not in any position to say if they are absolutely wrong. This isn’t dissent. It’s a natural instinct that tribal human beings will show. The better referees will understand this and show a degree of empathy towards in order to get the best out of that individual. They may even take the time to quickly explain why this decision was taken. Most players will react positively to being respected enough to be given a reason. The teachers who are liked and respected are the ones who take time to explain why a child made a mistake and seek to help them going forward to not make this same mistake again. Counter this with the teacher who simply slaps a cross on the answer but does not try to discuss the reason why it is wrong and how this answer can be correct the next time, it’s the same notion.

I was once given some very wise words from an old coach and friend who I have the utmost respect for. He refereed at the top level in this country and is still much loved and respected today. He told me that the worst four words a referee can use to a player are “Come here” and “Go away”. At the time this seemed to me to be a little pedantic. I mean, perhaps that upset people in the 70s and 80s but the world has changed...hasn’t it? Well, no it hasn’t. I now realise that the advice wasn’t supposed to be 100% literal, it was his way of telling me that no matter who we speak to and no matter how angry we may be there is always room to speak to people properly. As soon as a referee speaks down to a player in that manner the chance of a level conversation is lost. Who am I to tell anybody to “come here” when it is just as easy for me to meet them half way and show respect to them? That advice will stick with me through life and I know it has made me a better person in the way I think about how I speak to people. You can speak to people on a par and still maintain a moral high ground in terms of your self composure and self respect. However any morality is lost the moment you talk to somebody as your subject and not as an equal. Show respect to earn it.

So, let’s finish this first blog with this thought. I started refereeing constantly having it drilled into me that without a referee there would be no game. The belief that referees are the most important people in a game of football. What nonsense!! That belief goes back to George Orwell’s ‘Animal Farm’ in that “All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others!” The fact is everybody in a game of football is equal and deserves the same amount of respect. The tea lady, the player, the groundsman, the manager, the supporter, the old guy who puts the nets up on a December Sunday morning and has done every week for the last 40 years...the referee. The one difference is this - remove the players, managers, administrators and all others who give up their time, often for no recompense, and the game ends. There is no league system, no clubs, no players...no need for a referee. However, remove the referee and what happens? Football continues. Oh it would be carnage, nobody is arguing anything other than that, but it would go on with or without the referee. Therefore for a referee to have a belief that they are the most important part of a game of football couldn’t be further from the truth. They are a very important cog in the wheel that makes the great game of football go round but they are one cog among many others. Each of those cogs deserves the same respect and must show the same respect in order to be treated the same. It’s time for football to recognise that we are not demanding to be respected because we are referees, we would like to be respected as people. With the potential of sounding almost Marxist in this outlook, everybody should be treated the same or this great game of ours simply isn’t enjoyable for all those involved.